Letting go

Getting rid of my pregnancy stuff is hard.

That’s what I wrote about today. I have no use for my prenatal vitamins nor my anti-nausea remedies. Do I just let them sit there and take up space? Do I waste them? Give them away? Having the items around the apartment gives me a false sense of hope/excitement that I’ll be pregnant again soon. That I’ll need them before they expire.

But, not having them around makes me sad, faced with the reality that I indeed will not need them.

My feelings and thoughts are a spiral. What do I want really? To get pregnant again? No, I know I am not ready for that yet, neither emotionally or physically. I just finished applying to three graduate schools and I will be busy with that for the next two years.

I don’t want a new one yet. I want May specifically.

But I can’t have her, so I will give away the pregnancy items. I’ll get new ones when the next baby comes. I will go diligently to my blood test appointments until my hcg levels are at zero and I will calmly tell the nurse “no” when she asks if I am trying to get pregnant. I will swallow the ache when I wear the dress I bought because I thought it would be a great maternity dress one day. I will keep going until we have our new baby.

And I am so very excited for that time to come. I long for it. I know deep in my bones God will grant that dream, making us a bigger family.